I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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