I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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