dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
