If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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