fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
