come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
