Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
