My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
