i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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