I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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