checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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