mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
