So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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