I just pynch a tree in the face
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
