Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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