barbara walters just said penis...
i will never coherently bang her
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
