Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
