Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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