This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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