I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
