Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
