What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
