birth control should be required to get into college
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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