apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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