THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
