I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
