I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
