this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
