You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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