i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
