i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
