So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
