You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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