I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
