Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
