Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
