she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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