Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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