He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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