at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
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