i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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