He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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