i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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