I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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