i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
