it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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