I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
