Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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