I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
