I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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