so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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