Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
