Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
