dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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