i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
