I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
