so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
it was like eating out sand paper
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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